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Knowing, Doing, Being

Remember when you were a child and you did something nasty to another kid. Perhaps you shoved someone out of your way. Maybe you kicked, scratched or poked your tongue out at them. And then your parents did the inevitable, often to save them the embarrassment of having an unruly child – they insisted that you said sorry!

So, you obediently, yet reluctantly, suffered the humiliation of dragging your feet towards the other kid, with half of your body wanting run a million miles away, and the other half wanting to shove him harder this time! But you pushed through both urges to spit out the words…

I’m sorry.

Ok, so maybe I’m hamming it up. But the scenario is pretty common. And now, as the parent of four children, I have had the same parental urges to insist my children say sorry when they’ve been unkind to save me the irksome feeling that I have failed to produce kids who are always socially acceptable little angels.

But what am I teaching my kids when I make those demands? Basically, I recognise that one of the things I’m teaching them is to lie. They don’t feel anymore sorry than a politician breaking an election promise. In the moment, my child probably wants to get revenge, stamp his ground, or run as fast as he can away from the other child who maybe threatened him. The last thing he wants to do is say sorry to the person who he sees as the very source of his discomfort. It’s not to say that he won’t come around later, but at that point in time he’s most likely operating from his animal consciousness, hijacked by his need for fight or flight. And this gets me thinking about the enormous difference between Knowing, Doing, Being.

In our society, it is culturally accepted that you’re meant to say sorry when you know you’ve done something wrong (or at least, you’ve been caught out!). It’s been passed through our generations, with good intention much of the time, to apologise. So we grow up knowing we should say sorry, and when we succumb to this accepted etiquette, we perform. We go up to the person and say sorry. But it’s often from our head, following the socially driven rule, fearing the consequences if we don’t apologise. From my experience, there is a monumental difference between following that expectation and actually being sorry.

Let me share an incredibly personal story with you. I had a good upbringing, no doubt about it. But there were some rocky patches; who hasn’t gone through some hard times. And I unfairly blamed my parents for way too long for those tough periods. I hung onto them, largely unconsciously, even if it meant I made everyone suffer, including myself. I did it out of righteousness, and justified it as the victim of injustice (at least, that’s what I kept telling myself!).

About three years ago, my father found out he was dying of cancer. I discovered very quickly that nothing focuses the attention of the heart like the threat of losing someone dear to you, especially someone who jointly gave you life. His illness helped trigger in me the most cathartic experience for both of us.

Not only did I get the chance to forgive him for anything I was hanging onto, I also reached out to him to ask for his forgiveness – by me saying sorry. Sorry for the things I did, and sorry for the things I didn’t do. But there was no following of any social expectations; it was a deep down guttural and visceral experience of being sorry. I’d never felt anything like it (sad, I know). It triggered such a strong sensation of true grace and humility that changed my life and how I now view the world. And then this experience led to the natural progression of gratitude. Again, not just robotically telling my dad I was grateful for all he’d done for me, but actually feeling thankful from the bottom of my heart.

These conversations took place over nearly two years, until one night my father was at hospital in Intensive Care. It was obvious to everyone that he didn’t have much longer with us. And I had the privilege of spending some time on my own with him late one night. I remember just wanting to list everything I wanted to thank him for, the holidays, the chats, the lessons, etc. And I got out only two words, which were, “Thank you,” and then burst into tears before I got to rattle off my list. He just held my hand and gave me that knowing paternal look that said, “I get it, mate. You’re welcome.”

I get it, mate, You’re welcome...

I walked out of the hospital that night with enormous sadness about the pending loss, but also with an air of relief and completeness. There was nothing else I had to say to my dad, other than, “I love you.” Anything else would have been superfluous, just noise. I’m so grateful he was still alive to see the day when we truly connected from our beings.

So, I hope this helps you really see the difference between Knowing, Doing, Being. It’s a question of head and heart consciousness connecting with each other. Perhaps this article has mentally made sense for you, and you might be relating to the story with images in your mind of your own life. With those seeds of thought, I now encourage you to turn that knowledge into practice. Find whatever works for you in terms of forgiveness, confession, gratitude and kindness.

And see if you can truly feel the emotions connected with each one of them so it comes from your Being.

Enjoy the exploration!

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